Sunday, May 27, 2018

Incipit

This is the ongoing, introductory cover page. Be aware that this blog is still active, so please explore the archive to read the profound or crazy stuff I have written. Occasionally, I add something new. If you have any questions, be sure to read the FAQ.

Flowers, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, 2018 May 27

Epistles to Lonnie Frisbee


Below are links to my fantasticated letters to Lonnie Frisbee (1949-1993), in which I discuss various topics:
Letter #1
The Seraphic Mail Service and Identity Politics
Letter #2
The Big Split at Calvary Chapel
Letter #3
Greg Laurie the Southern Baptist
Letter #4
Revival and Unacceptable Surprises
Letter #5
The Five Mottoes of Peak Evangelicaldom
Letter #6
The Five Categories of Prophets
Letter #7
There's a Bathroom on The Right
For those who don't know, Lonnie was a young evangelist and revivalist who lived back in a bygone era. He was sometimes called the "hippie preacher."

If You Go To Starbucks Often Enough…

  • Your clothes will begin to reek of coffee.
  • You will see young men with Apple laptop computers programming smart phone apps.
  • Ladies will sell each other Mary Kay cosmetics.
  • The homeless will be there.
  • Some of the homeless will bring their own laptop computers.
  • There will be occasional prayer meetings.
  • College students will study for their tests.
  • A genuine lunatic will sit down and talk with you. You won't understand anything he says.
  • You will eventually buy a Starbucks coffee cup.
  • The decor will change at least once.
  • A young man with a book by Dale Carnegie will sit next to you, smile, and compliment your Life is Good™ bill hat.
  • People will play Scrabble.
  • You will hear one of Bach's Brandenburg Concertos.
  • Someone will walk in who is wearing outrageous bell-bottom pants.
  • Someone will walk in who has on a leash a Great Dane.
  • There will a fussy baby crying.
  • You will see someone who looks just like Obi-wan Kenobi. Of course, he will be using an Apple computer.
  • Someone will come in, use the restroom, and leave without buying anything.
  • There will be someone who habitually gives advice to other customers about using their computers.
  • A famous celebrity will walk in.
  • Two moms will come in pushing enormous baby strollers.
  • Sure enough, you will see a dude who's wearing his pants so low his underware is showing.
  • Somebody will talk so loud on his cell phone that you can hear every word he is saying
  • You will see a tanned, short, skinny man wearing a muscle shirt who has a filter cigarette tucked on his right ear.
  • A lady will be doing needlepoint.
  • You will encounter someone dressed like a 19th Century mountain man
  • A young man, dressed in a spiffy suit and tie, wearing black horned-rimmed glasses and a very serious look on his face, will be diligently and intently doing something with his Apple computer.
  • Eventually the baristas will remember your name.
  • A old guy who looks like a department store Santa Claus (but without the red costume) will be there, talking yakkity-yak non-stop to someone, who can't get a word in edgewise.
  • You will be next to a table where a young man and lady are talking. He will look exactly like the character Wesley from the movie "The Princess Bride." I mean exactly.
  • After a time, you will achieve enlightenment. And then you will understand why 95% of everything on the Internet is complete rubbish.
  • You will see Hutterite ladies who are in town to do some shopping.
  • A mother will be discreetly breast feeding her child.
  • A young man will stand by the counter waiting for his drink. He will be wearing a lanyard and a very brightly colored tie-dyed tee shirt having a spiral pattern. On his feet, he will have on a pair of slippers that are shaped like the head of a moose, with little white horns and big eyes. I kid you not.
  • People will be playing chess.
  • And people will be getting tattoos, yes, right there in Starbucks. Can you believe it?
  • A young lady will be there wearing high, bright yellow wading boots while working on her laptop.
  • A young lady, with her hair dyed magenta and an enormous, swirly tattoo on her left arm, will be giving another lady a reading using tarot cards.
  • You will sip a grande cold brew, with added coconut milk, in the penumbra of a solar eclipse.
  • You will talk with a lady in her 70s from Alaska who said she was once seriously ill in a hospital, died, had an out-of-body experience (OBE), and came back to this life.
  • You will see a lady sitting at a table and drinking her Starbuck's beverage from a large beer stein.
  • People will bring take-out pizza and eat it there in Starbucks.
  • A young lady will come in whose jeans are so fashionably "ripped, distressed, and frayed" that there's very little skin left that's not showing. But doesn't this defeat the purpose of wearing pants to begin with?
  • One of the baristas will dye her hair a color that matches her green Starbucks apron.
  • Yes, there will be someone dressed in a worn-out tee-shirt who will start aggressively scratching his armpit, right out in front of everybody.
  • On the way home, you will see a wild turkey, walking besides the street.

Speaking of Starbucks, you will appreciate the humor in these 1st & Main cartoons.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Epistles to Lonnie Frisbee

Letter #7


Seraph Postal - Forever
Dear Lonnie,

I was doing weed abatement for the county. When I checked over the property, I missed a patch of wild Lupine. Well, my sheep ate some of it, which is poisonous. So I ended up with some sick sheep. It took time for things to recover, but I now have enough vellum to write to you again and still have Seraphic Mail stamps. Please continue to cheer for me as I go through these various trials and tribulations down here on Earth.

The retired fireman from Florida, whom I told you about in my previous letter, is still making the circuit and has gathered a sizeable following, or so it seems judging by what's on YouTube and the Internet. I would say that at the minimum he is a "prophet wannabee," who has gotten attention because of the "Jean Dixon Effect." He had predicted, way back in 2011, that DJT would become president, although when I read the actual prophecy, the fireman appeared to have missed when this would happen. He was off by one election cycle. Nonetheless, he did get this one prediction correct back when the very idea of DJT ever becoming president was inconceivable.

I have listened to him being interviewed, and the fireman is very sincere, and he can sound almost convincing. He describes himself as very "mission oriented," which I suppose firemen are trained to be. However, I haven't found out what church community he is a part of, and so I can't reference any testimony about his overall track record or his character. His launching pad to fame was a single book (The Trump Prophecies) somebody co-authored with him, which got the attention of some big-name people who run websites and streaming TV. They're even trying to turn it into a movie. Furthermore, the fireman has made other specific predictions, which I'll mention further down in this letter. Of course, just being "sincere" and getting one prediction right doesn't necessarily establish that somebody is an authentic prophet. So can you ask around, Lonnie, up there in Glory Land to see if anybody has heard about this fireman? I was hoping you could write me back and tell me what the real story is. The guy's name is Mark Taylor, in case you need to know.

As you remember, when you lived down here back in the 1960s, you saw for yourself what freaked-out crazy times we had here in America. Nowadays, many years later, I daresay that things have gotten much worse, even in my memory, compared to that bygone era. We're now living in an Age of Misinformation and Paranoia. That's how I would describe the times. There is hardly anybody you can trust and believe anymore. The news is all fake. Everything is bogus. Everybody is suspect. People increasingly talk about "cold civil war" — indeed, there is a cultural civil war that's raging. And today's church is in omnishambles too, in my opinion. In fact, the Devil really doesn't need to do anything much to destroy Evangelicaldom in America, other than just tweaking things to maintain the current trajectory; because, all things being equal, it will simply devour itself. "There's a bad moon on the rise" — that's how it is going in America, Lonnie. And I think this general, all-pervasive malaise we feel might be one of the reasons why some people are giving this fireman "prophet" so much attention.

In fact, the last presidential election provided us only two dismal choices: Do we vote for HRC, the harridan who will give us an even more Stalinesque version of the previous administration? Or do we vote for DJT, the brash but successful real estate mogul who has a rather disorderly past as far as sexual morality goes? This was not a great selection to choose from. However, there was one big difference between them: HRC openly despises us Bible clingers and calls us "deplorables"; therefore, it was not likely that under her regime we would have been left alone and allowed some measure of "peaceful coexistence." On the other hand, for all his faults, at least DJT doesn't hate our guts. I can tell you, Lonnie, that all the pundits were cocksure certain that the harridan had the election in the bag. Our situation seemed precarious. So what could we do? Yet, miraculously, it was the mogul who won and became president, to everybody's complete, slack-jawed astonishment. But you can understand why the evangelicals had to "hold their noses" and vote for DJT.

Well, along comes the fireman, and what was his core message? His message was that God has "chosen this man" and "anointed him as President for such a time as this." Then he goes on to say:
This man I have chosen, will be a faithful world leader, and together with my army, will defeat all of America's enemies in the spiritual and in the natural. You will see it manifest before your eyes. I will use this man to shut gates, doors, and portals that this past president has opened. He will open gates, doors, and portals this past president has shut.
As you can tell, Lonnie, this hearkens back and is somewhat similar to what Isaiah said about Cyrus (Isa 45:1). If you think about it, you can understand why the fireman has gotten attention from a lot of people. Because if what he says was true, it would seem to validate for many people the choice we had to make, and that DJT is serving a larger divine purpose, which we don't see in its entirety yet. One thing is certain: there's never been a dull moment since DJT was elected president.

Also, when you read his prophecies, you will find that one of the fireman's peculiarities is his habitual use of rhyming words — it starts to sound a little like "Dr. Seuss." Another peculiarity is his vehement insistence that all churches everywhere immediately give up their 501(c)3 tax classification, which he calls a "demonic contract" or a "covenant with Baal". After all these years, I guess the 501(c)3 is now suddenly a big issue. But I don't know of anyone else out there who is also calling for this. Finally, the fireman denounces anyone preaching "doom & gloom," which I suppose means anything that predicts the soon destruction of America, our only escape being martyrdom or the Rapture. As I said in my previous letter, I had the fireman classified under category #3.

There is one very big problem, however — the fireman has made a slew of other predictions that have not come to pass, at least not yet or not completely. I will briefly list for you a few of his more salient predictions:
  1. DJT would serve two terms and not be impeached. [I recollect the fireman emphatically saying this in interviews.]
  2. "Even mainstream news media will be captivated by this man … and they will even begin to agree with him".
  3. "America will prosper like never before in her history as a nation."
  4. America will be energy independent and "a gallon of gas will be one dollar and below".
  5. "The Supreme Court will lose three, and my president shall pick new ones directly from MY TREE."
  6. "America will be loved once again, even by some that used to be her enemies".
  7. "The Clintons, the Clintons, your time has come to an end … you will not escape prosecution".
  8. "For this man who holds the title called the President of the United States will begin to lose his grip from it and be stripped of it, for I the Lord God will rip it from him." [In interviews, the fireman explains that BHO will be later prosecuted for treason and therefore will be stripped of his title, although he has now already finished his second term.]
  9. Corruption in all levels of government will be exposed. The problem will be so deep and widespread that it will require "military style tribunals" to handle it all.
  10. "5 Supreme Court Justices will be appointed by my new president, my anointed."
  11. "My court will overturn Roe vs. Wade".
  12. "The ties that were severed between America and Russia will begin to mend".
  13. "A lightning strike and a great wind shall topple the so called great monument, and they will not be able to mend". [The fireman has said that he is referring to the Washington Monument, which he calls a "phallic symbol to Baal."]
  14. America and Israel will be energy independent. OPEC will no longer be needed. "For your wells will go dry and your finances too".
  15. News outlets will go bankrupt and be rebuilt using "my righteous people".
  16. "Two will be taken and three will be shaken! For I will remove two from the evil crew of 32 and the other three will be shaken to the core. The 32 years they have altogether served and empowered that entity called Baal, and the covenant they had holding up his house with the Illuminati and the New World Order, shall come crumbling down. For when the first one is taken, it will be a sign that the New World Order shall die. When the second one is taken, it will be a sign that anyone calling himself Mine but comes against my Israel, sympathizing with her enemies, will not be tolerated. The three that will be shaken will be a sign that no one is above the Most High God, not even those that hold the highest office in the land. These among many others that have tried to exalt themselves above Me and My Law will be exposed and imprisoned by me for the entire world to see." [The fireman has made it very clear in interviews that he is referring to the five living former presidents: two will die and the other three will face prison terms.]
  17. "Russian and China will be put in their place … You will no longer be considered a threat or a superpower."
  18. "Many are saying that this is the last Pope, but it's not for the reasons they think. This will be the last Pope, for what I the Lord God am about to do. I will expose this Pope and all those under under his command for all the corruption he and the Vatican have been involved in for centuries."
  19. "There is a dig, an archeological find that is coming in an underground vault, which will be so cataclysmic that it will ROCK the Christian World. The answer lies between Jerusalem and Vatican City." [The fireman suggested in an interview that what might be discovered are "lost books of the Bible," whereupon the interviewer quickly steered away from this topic since it was skirting uncomfortably close to heterodoxy.]
Please tell me what you think, Lonnie. I hope that you have enough Seraphic postage stamps to write me back with your opinion. I think that the fireman might get one or two things right, if only by chance. However, newbie prophets can also mix in plenty of junk because they haven't yet learned to properly distinguish the difference between a genuine revelation from Above and their own wishful thinking. In other words, they get too eager and run ahead of themselves. Scio fuisse prophetas deficere, as the old saying goes. Lonnie, I was wondering. This is my big question: How long must we wait before concluding that the fireman's predictions are bogus and never going to happen? At this point in time, none of what I listed above has occurred, at least not in any spectacular or obvious way as far as I can tell. For example, the price of gasoline has never dropped below a dollar per gallon, the Washington Monument hasn't toppled over lately, there hasn't been any "military style tribunals," BHO is still running free, and the mainstream news media hates DJT more than ever.

On second thought, given that he has so many unfulfilled predictions, perhaps the fireman should be classified as an "indeterminate Loony Toon" (category #4). My gut feeling is that there is something loopy going on here, and his "prophecies" possibly reflect whatever flaky teachings happen to be endemic to the church he is attending. What makes me suspect this is his odd fixation about the 501(c)3 tax status and the Washington Monument, along with some of his "conspiracy theory" terminology. Furthermore, the fireman sounds as if he were speaking from the position of an "Old Testament prophet" (e.g., Samuel) who is sent to direct the entire people of Israel. Lonnie, as you well remember, you did some prophesying to people on various occasions when you were still here on Earth, but you never went around trying to dictate how churches throughout the entire country should operate. I think the fireman might be mixed-up partly due to misunderstanding how prophecy is supposed to function nowadays, under the "New Testament." However, if you have any helpful suggestions, I would much appreciate hearing them.

In other news, there has been no new news regarding the final, third book of your autobiography. Apparently, your ghostwriter friend, Roger Sacks, has delayed things yet again. Oh, I had hoped the final book would have been published by now. I must say that I am deeply disappointed. It's been over 25 years, and your autobiography still hasn't been completely published. What is holding things up? The problem is I don't know whom I can complain to. Can you complain to anybody up there in Heaven, Lonnie? Please put in a word about this because I very much want to read the final book.

By the way, congratulate me on my retirement. The only thing I got going now is my small sheep business and writing these funny epistles to you. I am still getting adjusted to being retired. It's not easy, and I am trying to keep my mind busy and to exercise. I will let you know if anything new comes up.

Keep rejoicing.

Sincerely yours,
Troubles So Hard.